Monthly Archives: November 2008

Screw Him, I’ll Do It Myself

Continued from here

THAT is a bouquet of flowers.

Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. You send me that, you’re going to have a great night. I’ll get on my hands and knees and scrub the floors awwwwll night long.

THAT'S even better.

(I’ll be honest, this is way more up my alley. Still, that top one does NOT suck.)

Wanna know how to get a guy to send you flowers?  Apparently, it’s to post naked pictures of yourself in hothot boots.  I highly recommend it.  This PR dude emailed me and asked when they last time my husband sent me flowers.  And I was all, “You totally want my number, don’t you?  Are you trying to ask me out? DID YOU SEE THE CROCS PICTURE?”  And he was all, “Nonono!”  And I was all, “SURE.”

Gigglegiggle.  Well, Mr PR Dude, it’s actually kind of been a while.  Like, for the length of our entire marriage while.  So yeah, I took him up on his offer, and hopped on that website, and found some freaking beautiful flowers I would love to have delivered to my door.  I mean, I have never ONCE had flowers delivered to my house.  It sounds like a great thing to have happen to you at least once.

So, yeah, I dug through that website, found a few bouquets I really liked, showed them to my kids, let them pick one because I can’t make a decision to save my ass, and today a nice person in a uniform is going to ring a doorbell and deliver this:

Happy Birthday, Mom.

To. My. Mother In Law.  It’s her freaking birthday for Christ’s sake; how could I NOT send her really nice flowers?  Anyone who ever tells me I am a selfish, bad daughter in law can shove it, because I just handed that woman the one chance I’m ever going to have of getting flowers delivered to ME. is the website, and the nicest thing is, they ship anywhere.  Well, to 150 countries, but still.  They offer same day delivery and they don’t charge your card until after they deliver the flowers.  Rumour has it, my mother in law will be getting a phone call after she gets her bouquet to make sure she likes it, and if she doesn’t, they’ll refund it or replace it, whichever she chooses. And the website is super easy to use.  Each bouquet has a description of every flower they put in it.

They have a lot of product, but it’s not all crammed down your throat.  Example: I spent about three days on that site trying to talk myself out of sending the flowers to someone else, eventually caved, ordered some for my mother in law, and at the very end of the order, they popped up a screen with chocolate on it and asked if I’d like to add some to my order.  Um, I spent THREE DAYS on that site and didn’t see chocolates.  I like that, that it’s not all pushy with extras.  AND they actually saved the information from my order and will email me next year to remind me to send her flowers again.  (Which I won’t.  Because she’s not my mother.)  And they haven’t spammed me once since I signed up.

Now, if you’re still here, I have two $50 gift cards from to give away.  Here’s how to enter:

  • Write in the comments, or on your own site, either way, about why you REALLY need to send yourself some fucking flowers already.  (Read: make your husband as mad at you as I just did mine)
  • Or tell about the most selfless thing you’ve done ever for your mother in law who, up until two months ago, you hated more than you hate Brussels Sprouts.
  • Or you can be all, “Dude, Mr Lady, it would be totally awesome if you sent me flowers at work with a really saucy note attached, because all my co-workers would totally think you were a guy, and that dude I’ve been trying to get to ask me out but who thinks he has all the time in the world would suddenly think he’s got some competition and he’d ask me out and we’d get married and name our first kid Shannon after you whether or not is was a boy or a girl because it’s an excellent name, yo.”  And then I would use your gift card to send you flowers with a saucy card attached, and all would be right in the world.

I’m not counting on a hell of a lot of #3 entries, just saying.  Shall we say Monday for the deadline, so you can use the card for Thanksgiving if you choose?  Cool, Monday it is.



Filed under Reviews