I have never once put hemmoroid cream anywhere even remotely close to my eyeballs. For the record, and all.
I hear it makes the poofiness under one’s eyes disappear faster than Rod Blagojevich’s career goals but there are things in life I am willing to do, and things in life I am not willing to do, and that’s just the way things are. There are precious few items in the “won’t be doing this lifetime” column, but I can without hesitation also add “rubbing monostat all over my face” to it, no matter how gorgeous Renee looks and no matter how much she blames girly-bit* cream for it.
Maybe she’s born with it; maybe it’s Monostat. I’ll take the former, and my $35/gram Makeup 4 Ever primer in green, thank you very much.
I do have a penchant for using one thing to do one other thing it’s fully not intended for. Like, I clean my walls with hairspray. I mop my floors with powered Tide and bleach, my super secret acne spot treater is Close Up toothpaste and a bandaid. If that doesn’t work, I bust out the big guns: Aspirin ground up in a spoon all heroin-style made into a paste. And a bandaid. Bandaids can do anything.
I use chalk to keep ants out, I brush my teeth with straight baking soda and gargle with straight peroxide. I wash my blacks in vinegar and use Mr Clean to get out set stains in my clothes. I have put steeped tea bags on both nipples and, well, you know where else. In public. Childbirth robs you of nothing at all except any sense of dignity. I once used a toothbrush to (redacted). I used a pair of panties I was too lazy to take off as a barrier method of birth control, with amazing results.
See: Childbirth. Also, tea bags.
I am fully of the opinion that if you can’t find at least two uses for any one thing, it’s not worth your time or money. Because I’m a cheap bitch, that’s why. I typically use the vitamin E oil I keep lying around for burns and scars on my face for wrinkle control, and it totally works and cost $5,000 less that the actual “wrinkle cream” they try get Penelope Cruz to sell you on tv, and lasts 18 times longer, but it doesn’t do jack shit for the poofiness. Which I have. Partly because I have a Sagittarius rising and partly because ohmygod I haven’t been untired in 11 years, 4 months and 1 day.
That one I blame on a diaphragm and a complete and utter lack of understanding about the female anatomy. Which I blame on Judeao-Christian cults. Another story, another day.
Origins sent me this new eye de-poofier and de-duller stuff called GinZing** to try out, so I did, and you know what? I actually think it just might work. It feels all tingly when I put it on, and I don’t seem to be so poofy, and I only look like a got a good heat-butt to the nose instead of my normal baseball bat to the eye look I usually sport. But what do I know? I use duct tape to make my kids sit still and shut up so I can paint all the furniture lavender in one afternoon.
Oh, wait. That was my mother. Worse than ‘Nam, those flashbacks.
Anyway, I’ve got 15 samples to send out so you can tell me if you think it works. Want one? (You know you do. The stuff doesn’t even come out for another month.) Tell me something you use in place of something else, something you probably shouldn’t. And for the record, if you tell me you use alpaca spit as a sexual lubricant, I’m going to ask you to produce a prescription for antibiotics. Also, a handmade scarf. It’s cold in Canada.
*I will never, ever be able to think, say or hear “girly bits” again for the rest of my life and not go here with it. Bugones.
**The official press release goes a little something like this: GinZing™ Refreshing eye cream to brighten and depuff offers a natural wake-up call for visibly tired eyes. An ideal product for use in times of increased mental and physical stress, when the eye area is prone to appear puffy and tired, it also addresses everyday fatigue symptoms with ingredients that increase cellular energy, fortify skin and even skin tone so that eyes appear vibrant and glowing with health. It can be applied first thing in the morning or throughout the day when you’re in need of a quick pick-me-up.
And you thank thank/bitchslap Randomizer.org for naming these 15 bloggers the recipients of some lovely eye cream:
MN (really, dude, you SO need a blog. I think you’ve put it off long enough.)
Alison of a Gun
Erica Mueller (who is also without blog)
Jenn (and NEITHER does Jenn, and there are 18 million Jenn’s but she’s the first baby wipes comment.)
GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESSES!